Firstly, Secondly, and Steps to Success.
Walking with a dear friend yesterday I realized something important to share. Many of us would hope to have a caring uncoupling. Many of us would go to great lengths to try to facilitate it. But I need to be honest on something - in my experience it took all that but also just luck. Unfortunately, even in spite of my and your amazing presence in this world, there will still be couples who are not able to achieve this goal. So, FIRST and foremost I want to say to those who have tried and were not able, do not feel less than. We are all doing our best and our best is whole, and perfect. As in, it is exactly as it would be should be and just right. If it’s not working, it’s not your fault. You could work on some things and improve some things, we all can. But know you’re doing your best and if you’re trying that’s all that matters. There are infinite other forces at play that are out of your control. And if trying looks like not doing this work right now that’s ok, too!
Again, and for example… I am straight lucky to have ended up in the marriage that I did. Troy came in with a lot of stability, security and good communication. It took time but over the years I learned some things from him. I was able to sit and feel safe-ish in difficult conversations, to feel safe facing my faults and apologizing when needed. Those were some pretty big steps for me. And from there, when we started looking into intentional communities I read Nonviolent Communication, which taught me firstly to be able to communicate with myself! To be able to stop and look and see what I was needing in a moment or from a situation, was also big for me. And then to be able to step further into feeling safe in even more difficult conversations, with most anyone, and finally to just broaden my security and confidence in general! It was all a lesson mostly in seeing, naming, accepting and finally loving my humanity, faults and all.
Then we were introduced to the reality of living in community, as well as one wherein there were open relationships. Oh boy did that all give us a chance to practice our communication skills. Both in regards to our relationship as well as about and with community members. Now came in a lot of authenticity, and growing acceptance and love for self, each other and all relations (which is all lol).
So when it finally came time to be brave enough to talk about separating and all the things that came along with that, we were LUCKily already pretty well versed in vulnerable and difficult conversations. Even then, of course, it was hard. Anger and resentment came up. There was avoidance and discomfort. But through that all he and I had earned trust that I trusted that we would be OK, and come back around to working things through. And we have. Troy continues to be my closest and dearest friend and I am just so so grateful that I've been able to do it this way.
But even if it hadn't worked out, if I bring anything it's tenacity. I am a try-er goshdarnit. If it hadn't worked out, I would have needed to know that I tried. So my SECOND message is, even if you can't imagine things working out you'll feel good too to be able to look back and know that you tried. Because who knows!? And because nothing is wasted. Skills learned in this process are 110% transferable. If I did it you definitely can (depending on those infinite other factors lol)! And, if it is in vain for this relationship, it will serve you greatly for the rest of your life, for yourself as well as for future relationships and in fact for the entirety of humanity…NBD! Get to work! ;)
